How the Mighty Have Fallen
by The Joe and Gromit Show
Summary: Joe: The slightest change in the ending of DMC3 has severe consequences on the rest of the series...watch as a small change in the climatic confrontation between Dante and Vergil impacts every other Devil May Cry instalment...
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: What do you expect? I in no way own Devil May Cry. If you can pick something else out in the fic that you can sue me for, it's a safe bet I don't own that either._

_Joe: I'm not sure whether or not this'll be a one-shot, so bear with me, people._

_Oh, and I'm not gonna explain the whole 'Joe' thing. Click on my profile if you wanna find out more._

_Of course, (cough), I'm _sure_ you've heard of me, right? No?_

_Thought not. Anyways, like I said in the summary, this chapter is going to be an alternate ending to Devil May Cry 3. _

_This is a humour fic, back to my favourite kind. There'll be a little fighting, since the fic begins at the ending of DMC 3, but not enough to make this an action fic. If you want action, go to my other fic, "__**Devil May Cry: Hell's Frontline**__". (__I know what you're thinking; that was a cheap way to advertise another of my fics, and I took it with both hands. What're you gonna do__?)_

_I also would like to remind you that everything here is in the name of humour - I do not want to offend anybody, and please don't take some of what I type seriously._

_On a related note, this is rated T, because I just can't help myself with minor bad language. It's just a bad habit when I'm speaking, and for some reason it applies to my typing as well. According to FF, since it's T rated I have to lay off the F word, but apart from that it's free reign. _

_Enough shitting about (see?), time to begin. Hope you enjoy._

* * *

_**How the Mighty Have Fallen.**_

_**Chapter 1: Screaming Souls. (No, I couldn't be arsed to come with my own name for the chapter. Well, at least I'm giving you an idea where this begins.)**_

Force Edge spun as it fell downwards, much as a broken propeller would from a biplane, although minus the screaming pilot.

In swift succession to the falling blade came the twin sons of Sparda, Dante and Vergil.

Vergil landed on his feet, and Dante landed in an admittedly less graceful fashion, his face hitting ground before his feet with an agonizing **crunch**.

Because of this, Vergil had no trouble in picking up Force Edge, which lay protruding blade-down in the ground, which just so happened to be in an ankle-deep stream.

Groaning, Vergil's brother slowly got to his feet, and snapped his broken nose back into position, with another crunching sound.

"Give me that," Vergil demanded of Dante, gesturing towards the amulet in Dante's hands.

Dante looked at his precious amulet, then hid it behind his back, as if hoping this small trick would fool his brother into thinking it suddenly disappeared.

"No way," he replied haughtily "You've got your own."

"Well, I want yours too," Vergil replied, giving Force Edge a stylish, yet pointless, flourish.

"What're you gonna do with all that power?" Dante inquired as he began to circle his brother "No matter how hard you try, you're never gonna be like father."

"You're wasting time!" Vergil shouted in a sudden burst of anger, charging at his brother, brandishing Force Edge. Well, that's steroids for you…

Dante blocked the blow with Rebellion, rather badly in all honesty, as both his and Vergil's hands cut slashed by their swords.

"We are the sons of Sparda," Dante told his brother slowly.

Vergil suppressed a "well, duh."

"Within each of us flows his blood, but more importantly, his _soul!_"

Dante put emphasis on the last word as he pushed Vergil back, then pointed an accusatory finger at Vergil.

"And now, my soul is telling me to stop you!" he said in a rather cheesy manner.

Vergil laughed, much as anybody else would at this fairly ridiculous exclamation.

"Our souls are at odds, brother," Vergil told Dante, then rose his hand and closed it into a fist "I need more power" (_well, that explains the steroids_).

"And we're supposed to be twins," Dante said reasonably.

"Twins?" Vergil laughed, giving Force Edge another flourish, this time meaningfully "Riiiiiight."

And so the battle began, each brother charging at the other, swords in hand.

Blades clashed at breakneck speeds. So fast that they in fact broke the sound barrier, resulting in a sonic boom.

This unsatisfactorily explained phenomenon would result in a premature hearing problem in the both of them in later life, but enough of that for now.

The battle continued in Dante's favour, who was demonstrating a much better resistance to the loud noises, due to his affinity for heavy metal music.

Although Dante's blade repeatedly cut deep into Vergil's body, he was seemingly unscathed after each slash (and also, for some reason, was his coat…).

But then, Vergil did something Dante did not expect; while Dante slashed horizontally at Vergil's neck, Vergil ducked and sweep-kicked Dante off his feet.

With a gasp of surprise, Dante fell down again, this time landing on his back.

Vergil bent down to seize Dante's amulet, but Dante stuck his boot into Vergil's stomach. To prevent him from being sent flying several feet away, Vergil quickly grasped onto Dante's coat, the result being that they both awkwardly rose up a small bit, but their combined weight pulled them both down, this time landing on Vergil's back.

Dante tried getting up, but Vergil was still holding onto Dante's amulet, tugging insistently. Dante tried to punch Vergil in the face, but Vergil took one of his hands off from the amulet and blocked the blow.

He then mashed his hand into Dante's face, hoping to push him away while still grabbing the amulet.

Dante made a disgusting choking noise as Vergil's fingers went into his mouth. Thinking fast, Dante bit down.

Vergil howled in pain and hurriedly pulled his hand back, but Dante clamped on like a pit bull terrier, and even went so far as to shake his head from side to side and growl.

Vergil inserted his foot into Dante's face, forcing Dante to release Vergil's hand, and then Vergil inserted his boot into Dante's mouth instead.

Again, Dante clamped down - but this was a great mistake. Vergil's foot was loose enough in the boot for him to pull his foot out, and leave the boot in Dante's mouth, exposing a blue and purple polka-dotted sock.

While Dante was still registering what was happening, Vergil gave one last tug and seized Dante's amulet.

Vergil leaped to his feet and ran a few feet away, in a slightly ridiculous fashion as he was missing a boot.

All Dante did was watch (and chew experimentally on the boot a little) as Vergil took his own amulet and combined his with Dante's.

The two amulets revolved in midair around each other before smacking together, as if they were magnets.

The amulets remained in midair, then Vergil held Force Edge vertically, and the sword seemed to absorb the amulets.

Then, unlike what happened to Arkham, as Arkham did not have Sparda's blood in him, something remarkable occurred.

Force Edge morphed into an admittedly much cooler sword, a pointlessly large red curved sword, with what looked like skin and a jewel on it.

Red lightning shot out of the sword, and after admiring it for a few seconds, Vergil swung the sword around, and as he did so the sword changed shape - first it extended, then it retracted to it's normal size, then it transformed into a scythe-like weapon.

"Whoah," Vergil allowed himself a noise of awe.

Dante attempted to make a similar noise, but it was muffled. He grudgingly spat out Vergil's boot and reattempted, this time successfully.

Vergil placed it on his back, and there was silence for a while, until Vergil broke it, this time in a calm, almost tired voice.

"Ehm. Can I've my boot back?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Dante answered, approaching Vergil and returning his boot.

Again, there was silence for almost a minute.

"Aren't you - aren't you gonna try and kill me again?" Dante asked Vergil cautiously.

"What? Why would I do that?" Vergil responded with a frown.

"Because…because…I don't know!" Dante exclaimed in an exasperated tone "It's what we generally do! Plus, had no problem in trying to kill me a little while ago."

"Ah, but, see, I wanted you're amulet. You wouldn't give it to me."

"Aha…so you don't want to fight me anymore?"

"No! That's barbaric! I use my _words_ to fight, little brother, that's what _civilised_ people do. I only use weapons when words fail."

Dante was at a loss for words. This all seemed so strange to him. There was a gut feeling inside him that this was not how things were supposed to happen…

"So, what, you're done?" Dante finally asked.

"Yup. All I came for was Sparda's sword. Now I have it. The whole thing was actually going to be a simple task, but then Arkham decided to make a mess out of everything…he really did make the whole affair unnecessarily difficult." Vergil reflected.

"So…" Dante deduced slowly "…this means I can go home now? I mean, you're not gonna try and do anything evil with Dad's sword?"

"I repeat, brother, I am what people like to call civilised," Vergil said with a superior smirk.

"Savage. Just be sure to close the demon world after you. Don't want any drafts getting in." Dante joked with a wink.

"Will do." Vergil responded distractedly, apparently deep in thought.

Dante ignored this distracted response, gave his twin a mock salute, then strolled at a leisurely pace towards the human world, humming pleasantly. However, he stopped and turned around when he saw Vergil standing in the same spot. Dante's eyebrows rose in surprise.

"Hey, bro?"

Vergil turned around in reply.

"Yes?"

"Aren't you going anywhere? Home?"

"Er…yes. I will. In a few minutes."

"In fact, that raises a good question. Where _do_ you live?"

Dante asked a fair question, and found that, even for just a second, Vergil's eyes widened in - shame? Embarrassment? Dante's suspicions were intensified by the fact that Vergil took his time in answering.

"Oh, nowhere special…" Vergil humbly replied.

"Where?" Dante pressed him, his interest captured.

Vergil thought for a while, then sighed and decided to just be honest.

"Nowhere."

"Don't kid with me - where do you live?"

"I just answered your question."

"No you didn't! You just dodged it by giving a lame joke!"

"I wasn't joking," Vergil mumbled.

"What was that?" Dante asked, hardly able to believe his ears.

"I wasn't joking," Vergil repeated at an increased volume.

"What, so you mean you live nowhere?" Dante queried incredulously, then added with a grin "Never heard of it. How do you get there?"

"Very funny."

"Thought so myself…seriously, where do you live?"

"Nowhere."

Dante took in a deep breath, savouring the moment, wondering how he should handle this once-in-a-lifetime moment of victory over his brother.

"You're - you're a _hobo_?" Dante exclaimed delightedly.

"Active member of the homeless community," Vergil corrected him "Is the politically correct term."

Dante burst into triumphant laughter, and Vergil stared at the ground. Things only got worse for Vergil when Dante seemed to realise something.

"So, so, how do you get money for food? Do you - do _you_ - beg?"

Dante's laughter reached a new volume as he pictured Vergil - Vergil - humbling himself to beg people for change.

"Of course not!" Vergil retorted indignantly "You know that I'm a man of honour!"

"So what do you do?" Dante pursued cheerily "Steal?"

"I am no criminal!" Vergil stated with a sniff "I…I…I jump people in alleys in demon form and threaten to eat their souls if they…if they don't give me their money. It's entirely their decision. I can't physically eat souls. They should have known that I was merely _joking_."

Dante's laughter redoubled, and Vergil's head throbbed, since it was already weakened by the sonic booms.

After a short while, Dante's cackling subsided, and after he calmed down, he looked Vergil up and down. He made a decision that he wouldn't have made if Lady hadn't made him "awaken" to his morals.

"You wanna come home with me?" he asked his brother sincerely.

"You're quite done?" Vergil asked him.

"Yup. I'll have to get the place re-done, thanks to Arkham's demons, but it shouldn't take too long…I mean, we're the sons of Sparda, right?"

"Yeah…" Vergil said with a smirk "And our _souls_ should be more than up to it."

Dante took a sharp intake of breath, stung by the tease. He really should have thought before he said anything…

"I suppose I have no choice," Vergil announced with a sigh "Right, let's go…where do _you_ live?"

And with that, the two casually strolled out of hell and to the ruins of Dante's home.

* * *

_Joe: Again, no intention on offending anyone. I do not in any way look to demean the homeless community, I listen too much to my socialist friend to do so._

_It's just a thought that passed through my head as I played the last level. Dante went home, and Vergil decided to stay in the demon world and I thought…well, did he have much of a choice?_

_Anyways, review and let me know if I should continue, or leave it as a one-shot._

_Ciao._


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: Yadda yadda, don't own devil may cry, insert joke here about how cool it would be if I did…anyways, on with the fic._

_Joe: It's okay, everybody, I'm back, I'm here, the wait is over._

_You weren't waiting? _

_Didn't think so…right…_

Anyway_, to the point. This chapter is going to take a drastic change from what I originally planned. I originally planned a one-shot, so this much is obvious. _

_**TTrunks**__, I owe you one, bud, you gave me an excellent idea that I'm going to incorporate - hence the drastic change. Not word for word what you suggested, but I'm pretty happy with where this is going._

_I can't really explain much more without ruining the chapter, but I can at least tell you that this chapter does NOT directly succeed the last chapter. Imagine this chapter as being a couple of years after the first chapter. _

_Well, here we go._

* * *

Outside the Devil May Cry all lights in the slums and alleyways were out save for the red neon sign of the store itself (upon rebuilding the store, Vergil had insisted on red neon as opposed to pink), and the full moon.

The usual sounds of police sirens, shouting, and occasional gunfire were thankfully absent as well, all the criminals apparently just deciding to have a night off for once in the history of these New York slums.

This therefore strengthened the mysterious effect of a woman falling gracefully from the sky, materialising out of nowhere in particular, her blonde hair billowing in the wind as she fell, her arms outstretched as if she was of the impression that they were wings.

She hit the ground with a rather disappointing thud, then stood to her full height and observed her surroundings. She allowed herself a smile as she noticed the store at the end of the alleyway.

* * *

The platinum-haired son of Sparda lay comfortably back in his chair, his feet up on his desk, a newspaper in his arms.

The phone rang, and the man put down his newspaper, then slammed his foot on the desk forcefully. The handle flew off from the receiver, and straight into the man's outstretched hand.

"Devil May Cry. Password." the man stated in a monotone.

The person on the other side's reply was "ehhh…." so the man gave a tired sigh before announcing;

"Sorry. We closed at 9."

The man threw the handle back on the receiver with a clang, then resumed his reading of the newspaper wordlessly.

The double doors burst open, kicked by the blonde woman who stood with her hands on her hips which were swayed to one side. Her master had informed her that there was to be a motorbike outside, but after a rather irritating ten minutes of inconclusive searching the woman decided to leave it.

The man slowly lowered his newspaper to allow himself to observe this newcomer, his expression indifferent.

The woman now had the man's attention, so she strolled casually along the office, observing the severed heads decorating the walls. The man remained silent, waiting for her to speak first.

"You must be the legendary demon slayer, the son of the dark night Sparda…Mr. Dante." the woman spoke confidently, turning her head to face the man for effect as she spoke the last two words.

"No." the man replied in a bored tone, then raised his newspaper and once again resumed reading.

"I, ah - what?" the woman stuttered, shocked.

The man gave an irritated sigh before lowering his newspaper again.

"I am not Dante. There is no Dante here." he explained in a carefully measured tone.

The woman went quiet for a few seconds, her eyebrows creased as she thought.

"Suh - Sorry to disturb you sir," she apologised politely, before turning around and exiting.

Vergil shook his head as he grabbed a pen and started a crossword.

_10 minutes later_

The doors burst open once again and the woman took one look at Vergil, who slowly looked up while sucking his pen as he did his crossword (_10 across; organised opposition to authority ((9 letters)))._

The woman screamed "_Dammit_!" before spinning around on the spot and storming out.

_Another 10 minutes later…_

The doors were opened slowly this time, as the woman actually used her hands in opening it, and she shut them behind her.

Vergil - who was now filing his nails - didn't bother looking up at start, but then he realised that the woman was standing politely in front of his desk, one hand placed just above the elbow of the other arm, looking lost and forlorn.

"Excuse me," she inquired hesitantly, her confidence broken "But…do you know where I could find Dante Sparda?"

Vergil, all the while filing his nails, remained silent for a couple of seconds, his eyes scanning her.

"He's out on a mission," he replied at last "He won't be back for at least another half an hour."

"Thank you." the woman said humbly, then remained on the spot. There was an awkward silence.

Vergil gestured towards a couch on his right.

"Take a seat."

The woman thanked him again, then parked herself on the red couch. She checked her watch, then readjusted herself for comfort.

"Can I help you with anything?" Vergil asked her "Tea? Coffee? Something stronger?"

"Cuh - Coffee would be great, thank you," the woman answered with a timid smile "I take it black - two sugars"

A shadow of a frown broke across Vergil's features for just a second - displaying his irritation that the woman was not meant to give a positive answer, and that Vergil was in some way required to get up.

However, he gave a polite smile after this and went upstairs to prepare some coffee.

_About 35 or so minutes later…_

The double doors opened as Dante entered, whistling cheerily, despite the bloodstains smeared all over him.

"How much?" Vergil queried brightly as Dante noticed the blonde woman sitting quietly on the couch.

"A couple grand," Dante answered vaguely, still looking at the woman, a smile forming on his lips "Who's our guest?"

"She won't say," Vergil replied, waving his hand dismissively "Be specific, how much did we get paid?"

Dante approached the woman, and put his left leg up on the coffee table, being careful not to knock over the empty mug and beer cans.

"What's your name, babe?" he asked with a grin.

The woman got to her feet, and repeated her procedure of inspecting the walls.

"I can't say…but I know who _you_ are…the legendary demon slayer…son of the dark knight Sparda…Mr. Dante."

Again, just as she spoke the last part, she turned to face him for effect.

Dante exchanged a bewildered glance with his brother, then his hand darted to Rebellion, which rested on his back.

"Correct," he answered, swiftly bringing Rebellion to rest under the woman's chin "Now, your turn. Who the hell are you? Better yet, _what_ the hell are you?"

"Let me give you a hint," the woman stated with a smile, her hand moving slowly up to meet Rebellion. All of a sudden, electricity coursed through her arm. She clasped onto Rebellion, causing the electricity to flow into Dante.

Dante roared in pain as his body shuddered. The woman, still holding onto Rebellion, kicked Dante back, then through Rebellion up, caught it by the handle, then fired it at Dante, who was on the floor.

The blade stopped in midair, as Vergil, who was now on his feet, caught it halfway through it's trajectory. He was facing the woman, his expression saying clearer than words could; '_okay, what the hell?_'.

"She just threw a sword at you," Vergil slowly announced, a little unnecessarily to be frank.

Dante got to his feet and brushed his coat several times, then folded his arms and eyed the woman with a scowl.

"What the hell?" Dante demanded of her.

The woman merely stammered, really not knowing what to say. Before she could reply, Vergil spoke.

"You could have killed him with that."

Dante could almost have smiled.

"Vergil, I think that was the -"

"And I gave you coffee…" Vergil remarked slowly, with a sigh.

"You - you gave her _coffee_?!" Dante suddenly shrieked at Vergil in disbelief, then turned to the woman "He gave you coffee!!"

"It was only _instant_ coffee…" the woman remarked, then put a hand to her mouth, realising that she had uttered a heresy.

"Okay, let me get this straight…" Dante said in a dangerously low voice. He started strolling around the room, waving his arms in the air to emphasise what he was saying "..you just _stroll_ in here, you receive _nothing_ but hospitality from my brother here -" Dante paused to nod politely at Vergil, who returned it " -then, when I return home - after a tiring day of work - you throw my own _sword_ at me - and then, you _complain _that our hospitality wasn't _good enough_."

Dante almost shouted the last words as he turned to face the woman again, who was now staring at the floor.

"I hope you're happy," Vergil pitched in venomously.

The woman remained silent.

"Well?" Vergil asked, poking her in the side "What have you got to say for yourself?"

The woman, remembering something, brightened up, and turned to face them.

"Oh, yeah - I'm not your enemy -" she rose her forefinger to signal silence as Dante opened his mouth hotly " - this was all a test to see if you were really Dante Sparda."

There was silence again, then she realised that she still had her hand up, then lowered it.

"You really needed a test?!" Dante stated "How many people do you know look like me?"

"Well…" the woman pondered, then pointed to Vergil "Him."

"Yes, but he's my twin. Okay, I'll rephrase that - how many twins in the world look like us? Was all this really necessary? And, for what? What the hell do you need me for?"

The woman removed her sunglasses, forcing both twins to gasp.

"My name is Trish," she announced "I came to seek your help…to bring an end to the Underworld." (Lightning flashes).

The two twins exchanged glances, both knowing what the other was thinking; Mommy.

* * *

_Joe: To be continued…maybe._

_Yeah, I know that I've already done a parody of the first devil may cry, but in all fairness, that was my first fic, and was to be frank, shit._

_I thought that this might be a good idea, but I'll leave it up to all of you to say otherwise - or just to review and say you agree completely, and that I'm fantastic, and handsome…you can tell by the way I phrase everything…_

_Ahem, or, just, review. Ahem._

_Right, Ciao._


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry, don't own anything you can point at in this chapter. Capcom does._

_Joe: Right, I guess I'm actually going somewhere with this. _

_I've decided what the hell this fic concerns; any section of the Devil May Cry plot that has a...somewhat lessened dramatic effect as a result of what happened in the first chapter. The '_Mighty_' character that '_How the Mighty Have Fallen'_ refers to can be applied to anybody in these chapters. For example, in the last chapter it was Trish._

_Anyways – straight to it, hope yis enjoy._

* * *

Self-sacrifice. A deed of unmatchable and unequivocal greatness. Any person capable of such a feat is undoubtedly a person of great moral strength and goodness, to be able to give up their life for that which they believe in. And yet, performing such a deed makes others realise how much of a loss the martyr was, making them wonder should a lesser person have been sacrificed for the cause.

Indeed; these were the thoughts that plagued Lucia's mind relentlessly. Why did Dante volunteer himself to go to Hell itself? Surely Lucia would have been a much better candidate, so as to allow the world to retain the gift of the Legendary Dark Knight Dante?

Lucia flipped Dante's double-sided coin absentmindedly in the _Devil May Cry_ office, the age-old jukebox in the corner humming a blues number, the effect of which ruined slightly by the background static. She did not know why she had come here; it had taken a substantial amount of money and effort to travel from Vie De Marli to New York, let alone to uncover the well-kept secret of _Devil May Cry_'s location.

Yet somebody had to keep up Dante's lifelong work of ridding the world of evil, and Lucia could not think of anybody else who was capable of such a task, save Sparda himself.

A motorbike revved audibly outside.

Lucia gasped as her face darted upwards to face the door. The coin fell to the ground, making a rattling sound as it rolled, finally resting on it's side. The motorbike! Dante had driven a motorbike around Vie De Marli, that must be him outside!

Lucia hurried to her feet, almost tripping herself over in excitement as she bounded to the door. She heaved the double doors open swiftly, then beamed widely at the sight she encountered outside.

The platinum-haired son of Sparda was waving goodbye to a black-haired woman on a motorbike – the owner, Lucia figured. The woman had an immense bayonet-tipped rocket launcher, yet seemed perfectly in balance on her motorbike. The lady had evidently given Dante a lift home.

Dante did not appear to be himself. He was breaking his usually strict fashion code of blood-red by adorning himself in the exact opposite – a gothic blue trenchcoat with ornate golden lace embroideries. His hair was gelled back, also. In his arms were two bottles of red wine and a brown takeaway bag. Nonplussed as she was, Lucia could not compete with Vergil's expression as he looked her up and down.

"We closed at nine," Vergil informed her eventually "Unless it's urgent, you'll have to call in tomorrow."

Lucia opened her mouth, but was at a loss for words. She succeeded in letting loose a croak.

Vergil blinked twice, then sidestepped Lucia and entered _Devil May Cry_. He locked the door behind him with a _click_ before Lucia registered what was happening.

"He locked me out," Lucia announced, more to herself than anybody else. A nearby pigeon, the only other living thing nearby that heard her, surveyed her with what could only have been sympathy.

She strode up to the doors and rang the doorbell. Inside, Vergil, who had just placed his purchases down, sighed audibly.

The key rattled in the hole before one of the double-doors opened. Vergil stood slightly in the frame, yet kept the door more than half-closed.

"We closed at nine," he repeated firmly, then stepped back to shut the door again.

"Wait – Dante-" Lucia began hesitantly. Vergil froze.

"What's going on? How did you get back here so quickly? Why are you dressed like that?" Lucia inquired quickly, seizing her chance before Vergil considered shutting the door again.

"I was just getting dinner, Lady gave me a lift, and I've always looked like this, to answer your questions respectively," Vergil replied in a monotone, then added "And I'm not Dante. He's on a mission abroad. I'm his brother. Now, who are you?"

"I-" Lucia began, but it seemed that Vergil intended to answer his own question.

"Ah, you're the previous caller, aren't you? Lisa?" he stated, nodding to himself knowingly "From Vie De Marli...how did things turn out?"

"It's Lucia," Lucia answered "And things...went along fine eventually, except......maybe I should come in."

"Should you?" Vergil asked, frowning at the notion that he should allow this woman inside. His plans for a pleasant evening were ruined.

With another sigh, Vergil relented and gestured politely for Lucia to enter, which she did so quickly. She seated herself on the couch by the corner. Vergil shut the door and face her, yet remained standing with his arms crossed; subtly indicating for her to hurry up and get out.

"You see...Dante...he...sacrificed himself," Lucia explained, slowly but bluntly.

"Excuse me?" Vergil queried, for some reason disbelieving.

"I know, I know...but listen. If one of us didn't go into Hell to stop Argosax, then the world would have ended...Dante volunteered himself...I'm so sorry."

"So, he's in Hell," Vergil deduced simply.

"Yes. There's no way to get him back, I'm afraid..." Lucia added quietly.

Vergil appeared not to hear her, but seemed rather irritated as opposed to heartbroken.

"He's in Hell," Vergil repeated hotly "Damn him! He's supposed to be back next week! Is this because of that stupid wedding he knows we have to attend...?

"You don't understand -" Lucia began tentatively, but Vergil ignored her.

Vergil reached into his coat pocket and produced a cellphone, then heatedly dialled a series of numbers in rapid succession. His foot tapped the floor rhythmically and the hand not holding the phone was still in the arms-crossed position.

After a few seconds of waiting, Dante appeared to answer. Lucia could hear his loud '_hello?_'.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Vergil demanded.

Lucia had no clue what was going on, and tried her best to listen into the other end of the line.

"...Well, what are you doing _there_?" Vergil asked furiously "...Uh-huh...uh-huh...well, when do you think you'll be back?...That's not good enough, Dante! You _know_ we have an occasion to attend – yes, I don't care for the both of them either, but we _were_ invited and it's only _polite_ to......I don't care, Dante, get your ass back here now!...You know very well how, don't give me that!"

Lucia's face brightened. There was a possibility of Dante returning! However, her smile was quickly wiped from her face as the conversation changed.

"...okay, okay, see you then......one last thing, Dante; how many times have I told you to stop dragging home random sluts you encounter on your missions?...I don't _care_ if she thinks you're God, that only makes it _less_ ethical to sleep with her!..._because it's not right, Dante!" _Vergil exclaimed, raising his voice.

Lucia looked scandalised to say the least. It was now her on her feet with her arms crossed as she scrutinised Vergil with ill-temper.

Suddenly, the front door opened again as a blonde woman entered.

"You forgot to lock the door, Ver-" the woman cut herself short as she noticed Lucia.

The woman was coated in a charitable amount of blood, somewhat explained by the inhumanly large red blade on her back. She wore a black leather broken-heat tank top and denims with a belt, on which twin handguns were holstered.

"Who the hell are you?" Trish asked Lucia sharply.

"Shh!" Vergil hissed reproachfully, his fingers to his mouth, followed by him gesturing at the phone in his hands.

"Sorry!" Trish whispered.

"...uh-huh...well, then, what will I do with her?......I'm not paying for her _flight tickets_!" Vergil shouted indignantly.

"Is that Dante?" Trish asked him hopefully "Tell him I said hi!"

"...she can pay for her own damned tickets! - oh, and Trish says hi," Vergil added. He then looked over at Trish. "He says hi back...yeah, well, just hurry up...yeah, see you soon......I'm _not_ saying that......_fine_, I love you too..."

"I love him too!" Trish interjected.

"Trish loves you too," Vergil added, then turned back to Trish again "He says the same."

"I love him too!" Lucia pried.

Vergil shot her a filthy look.

"...the skank says she loves you......but that's what she is, Dante...I mean, she barely knows you, and her saying that she loves you is in itself fairly slu– damn. Phone credit's almost gone...so, I'll see you...tomorrow? Right. Bye – bye...good luck....see you...bye."

Vergil hung up. After his taking a fortifying deep breath, he turned to Lucia.

"You'll have to go now," he informed her conversationally.

"What?!" Lucia retorted in disbelief "I can't go just _now_!"

"She's right," Trish confirmed "She has to pay the bill first. The Vie De Marli case is done and dusted."

"True," Vergil said, nodding, then without turning extended his arm towards Lucia "Pay up. The bill should come up to around...ten thousand dollars?"

"Fifteen-thousand," Trish corrected him "It's an extra five-thousand if we prevent world domination."

"But of course," Vergil breathed, as if just having made a basic mathematical error "That's the best deal you'll find anywhere, you know."

"I don't have that kind of money!" Lucia spluttered.

Vergil exchanged a dark expression with Trish.

"You..._don't_?...oh dear...this could be..._difficult_." he concluded slowly.

"So, you called us up without having the money to do so?" Trish challenged her.

"I – I didn't think..." Lucia mumbled pitifully.

"Save it for the judge," Trish cut across angrily "We'll see you in court. You'd better get yourself a lawyer."

"But – but – you see, people's _lives _were in danger, and – and, the entire world would have been -" Lucia attempted explaining, but she was interrupted by a very displeased Vergil, who had moved over to check on the brown bag.

"The dinner's gone _cold_!" he exclaimed, looking over at Trish for some sort of consoling.

"Ugh, you're _kidding_ me," Trish spat as she placed a hand into the bag, then grimaced as her worst fears were confirmed.

"Look, Laura," Vergil began, his patience long lost.

"Lucia!" she corrected him.

"Whatever. It's time for you to go. Now."

As Lucia opened her mouth to give an angry reply, she was ushered outside by Trish.

"But -" she pleaded.

The door slammed in her face.

* * *

_Joe: At long last, there yis go._

_Well, nothing else to say, really, except please review._

_Ciao._


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: Don't own Devil May Cry, not going to make a profit out of this...and moving on._

_Joe: Back again, bringing the cast of Devil May Cry down a notch, with the deadly weapon of exceedingly average day-to-day social encounters. _

_This time round two main characters are under the spotlight, but to say much more would ruin what little humour I have to offer._

_Enjoy – if you can._

_

* * *

_

Nero fired round after round at the man in red with his beloved Blue Rose, yet the strange assassin seemed unperturbed by the gunfire.

The whole incident seemed surreal to Nero, who not minutes previously had been lounging sleepily in the now overturned pews. With absolutely no warning, the man had pounced through the stained-glass ceiling and inserted a bullet between the eyes of his Holiness before anybody could react.

The Order of the Sword was on him within seconds, but the man had overcome them one by one with minimal effort, his skill with his exceedingly large broadsword breathtaking.

So it was that the task of 'handling' the murderer fell onto Nero, bandaged arm and all. Though Nero was relentlessly filling the man with hot lead, his mind was reflecting on how close the assassin had got to Kyrie. Savior knows what would have happened had Nero not jump-kicked the man in the face.

This thought filled Nero's body with hot rage, the best weapon he currently had against his adversary. Did Credo honestly expect Nero to hold off against this man for long, taking his handicap into account? Credo had promised reinforcements, and the General of the Holy Knights was not known to fall short on his promises, but the fact remained that Nero was left with one functioning human arm and a limited amount of ammunition, not to mention a double-barrelled revolver that was testing the laws of physics' patience.

As Nero emptied the barrels of Blue Rose, he tossed a new clip upwards while pivoting stylishly on the spot, catching the live ammunition effortlessly. Doubts coursed like wildfire through his mind as he did so. What good was it? The ammunition was having no apparent effect on the man, who was -

Nero blinked twice. Where _was_ the man? He had vanished upon Nero reloading, and was nowhere to be seen.

The holy knight spun round, surveying his surroundings. As he did so, he noticed the man in red strolling casually into view from behind a pillar, his sword resting upon his shoulder.

It seemed strange that the man was unburdened by this vast broadsword that was almost as tall as the man himself was, yet Nero figured that the man was far from human.

Speaking of the sword, the man had yet to use it against Nero. Perhaps he was bound by some sense of chivalry, seeing as Nero was evidently wounded?

Spotting a holy knight's sword lying on the ground nearby, Nero bent down to grip it. The swords of the Holy Knights had a peculiar design, and made a engine-like roar when the handle-like grip was turned. The work of the geniuses behind closed doors, Nero was told. The sword's design had proved an excellent platform to build upon, Nero's own Red Queen his final home-made product.

But this sword would have to make do – to stall the man, at any rate.

Nero stood the sword on the ground and twisted the grip, making the roar noise.

"What's the point in packing a sword like that if you aren't even gonna use it?" Nero challenged the man, more boldly than he felt. Wasting time was the name of the game...

The man gave the smallest of smirks before standing his own sword on the ground in a similar motion to Nero, and twisting it similarly, although minus the revving sound.

And so the battle became a sword fight. Nero was capable enough a sword master to spar single-handedly against the man, but for how long was a worrying question.

The man in red was seemingly preoccupied with something, as his expression was distant, yet he continued to block Nero's swipes expertly. As Nero held back, the man returned to earth and took his turn to unleash a barrage of slashes.

Parrying the initial swings, Nero began to feel that he could hold his ground indefinitely, but then the man abruptly changed attack pattern, feinting a horizontal sweep, then knocking the sword from Nero's grip as he lost balance.

Time seemed to slow for Nero as the man drew the sword like a spear, thrusting it forward to stab Nero. At first, instinct drove Nero to raise his arm up to stop the blow, but intelligence made Nero dive to the side, barely escaping death. Rebellion tore through the side of the man's bandaged arm, and Nero let out a surprised gasp as he fell to the ground, clasping his injured arm, inhaling sharply through gritted teeth.

The man rose the sword, and was about to bring it sharply down to cleave through Nero when a loud, commanding voice echoed through the opera house.

"_Dante!_"

The man in red – presumably Dante – stayed his blade, then frowned as he looked slowly up.

A similar man in a blue coat approached from the front entrance, his arms crossed in a disapproving manner. A long katana was sheathed at his side, and an inhumanly large red blade was slung across his back, exuding a deep red aura.

"_What_ do you think you are _doing?_" the man snapped. Dante hung his head sheepishly.

"Defending myself," Dante mumbled, barely audibly.

"What was that?" the man demanded.

Nero groaned as a blood-red stain on his sling grew increasingly large and damp. He did not know who this newcomer was, but he was glad that he had stopped the man in red, who had replaced the sword on his back.

"Defending myself," Dante repeated, albeit louder as he scrutinised his boots.

"Defending yourself," the man in blue spat venomously "Against a crippled man."

He then turned to Nero, observing him sympathetically before bending down to help him to his feet.

"I apologise for my brothers actions. Are you okay, sir?"

Nero didn't respond, but unclasped his sling to expose a pale white arm with a deep, bloody gash running up his forearm to his elbow. The man in blue inhaled sharply.

"Ouch."

Dante, who had until then turned his back on the two, chanced a look at Nero's arm before immediately turning back around as though stung.

"I hope you're proud of yourself," the man in blue shot at his brother before dusting Nero's coat, and then making a temporary bandage of Nero's sling to cover the blood flow "_Outrageous_ behaviour, don't know _what_ he thinks he's doing...Mr...?"

"Nero," the holy knight responded quietly.

"I don't know how I can make amends for what my imbecilic brother -"

Dante spun quickly around heatedly.

"He kicked me in the face, Vergil!" he retorted indignantly, like a child caught performing some misdeed "And then he kept shooting at me!"

"He what?!" Vergil shouted, spinning round to stare Nero in the face.

"He kept shooting at me!" Dante repeated quickly, with slowly increasing confidence.

"Did he now?" Vergil asked vaguely as he regarded Nero, silently beseeching him for an explanation.

Nero was temporarily at a loss for words. This day just got weirder and weirder.

"Well, you, this guy here just _dove_ through the ceiling -" Nero began tentatively.

"No I didn't! He's making it _all_ up, don't believe anything he says, Verge, I was just _walking_ along when - !" Dante streamed rapidly, absolutely nothing he said being registered by anyone.

"_One at a time!_" Vergil barked, holding both his arms out against the two, who had advanced quickly towards the other heatedly. He took in a fortifying deep breath, then turned to Nero.

"Okay...Nero. _Did_ you kick Dante in the face?" Vergil calmly asked the knight.

"Yeah, but -" Nero began hotly.

"Okay!" Vergil cut across him before turning to face his brother. "Now, Dante. _Did_ you crash through the ceiling?"

Dante remained quiet for a while, pouting and casting vicious glances at Nero.

"_Dante!_" Vergil stated firmly "_Did_ you?"

Dante opened his mouth slowly, then shut it before actually responding.

"Yes, but -"

"You _crashed_ through the ceiling!" Vergil exclaimed in disbelief "_Why_ on _earth_ would you crash through the ceiling? You were supposed to wait through the ceremony and kill the target _afterwards_!"

"Well, I – I," Dante spluttered before deflating back to embarrassment "...I don't like going to church...so I decided to skip that part and get it done with quickly..."

As Dante shuffled his feet, Vergil put his fingers to his eyes, straining to keep his patience. Nero was unable to contain himself any longer.

"He murdered his Holiness!" Nero bellowed furiously, pointing an accusatory finger at Dante, who shrugged it off.

"I know he did," Vergil said with forced calmness, his fingers still at his eyes as he seethed over Dante's idiocy. "That's what he's here for."

Nero was rendered speechless. He had just crossed the line into completely confused.

"Why the hell did he kill his Holiness?!" Nero eventually demanded.

"'_His Holiness_' is the leader of a notorious demonic cult summoning demons, playing with hell gates, and generally trying to achieve world domination," Vergil explained conversationally, his patience regained though seeming slightly weary.

"I – ah – _what?"_ Nero blurted in disbelief.

"You didn't know?" Vergil announced in a surprised tone "You mean, you actively participated in a cult worshipping a _demon_, without knowing that it had evil intent?"

Both twins exchanged dubious glances then regarded Nero as they would an idiot.

"You know, it's only logical that devil hunters would come 'round sooner or later," Dante chipped in reasonably.

"Were you - I don't know – _asleep_ the whole time?" Vergil stated jokingly before sharing a laugh with Dante.

Nero went red. It had been his habit to either sleep through the sermons or listen to music. It never once crossed his mind that his foster family and their associates were conspirators against humankind.

"_Apprehend them!_" Credo ordered loudly as he arrived on scene with more knights - in a questionably similar voice to Vergil's.

Just after barking his order, Credo's expression was that of confusion as he noticed that Nero was not attempting to attack either of the intruders. The knights had successfully surrounded them, and all possible exit was blocked.

"Credo?" Nero called out questioningly.

"What is it, Nero?" Credo replied doubtfully.

"Are you really part of a demonic cult attempting to take over the world?" Nero queried nonchalantly, as though he were commenting on the weather.

Credo cleared his throat as he frowned curiously at Nero, whilst every knight present exchanged glances.

"Well – _yes!_ Haven't you been paying attention to the ceremonies since – your entire _life_?!" Credo inquired incredulously "Remember todays opening rite? - ''_And verily shall we annihilate the unworthy humans and reclaim the world for our masters_''"

Nero's mouth was agape in disbelief, before he eventually managed;

"You're shitting me."

"You mean to say...you _actually_ didn't know what this was all about this _whole_ time?" Credo exclaimed irritably, his arms crossed "Didn't you hear Kyrie sing all of our hymns? - Well, today's one was relatively new and a bit off the point – but _still!_"

"Kyrie's a -" Nero breathed, his head feeling woozy.

"_Yes!_" Credo confirmed exasperatedly, looking thoroughly disappointed in his adopted brother. "I can't _believe_ that you -"

Credo was cut short as his skull was punctured with a .45 calibre round from Ebony.

"I think he gets the picture now," Dante stated impatiently, then turning to his twin "Can we go now? Lady said we wouldn't get paid if we arrived home late."

"Did she, now?" Vergil replied distractedly as he unsheathed Yamato.

Nero blinked and both sons of Sparda had appeared to have vanished and reappeared by the holy knights, and dispatched them one by one. As the last one died, his head cleaved from his body, Nero fell gently onto the ground, well and truly bewildered.

Further footsteps were heard, and a blonde lady entered, clutching an excessive amount of shopping bags and sporting a "_I (heart) Fortuna!"_ baseball cap.

"You guys done?" she asked cheerfully "By the way, Vergil, I bought you a t-shirt you're going to absolutely _adore _-" She paused upon seeing Nero. "Who's the kid?"

"Nero," Vergil responded as he helped the former knight to his feet " - and I highly doubt that I would feel so passionately about an article of clothing purchased from a gift shop."

"Oh, pshah!" Trish waved it off vaguely as she produced a t-shirt from a bag stating "_Attained more power at Fortuna!_".

As Vergil promptly fell in love with said t-shirt and rushed to get a better look, Dante gave Nero a small encouraging smile.

"Wanna come with us, kid?" he asked Nero kindly.

Nero didn't respond, but quietly joined Trish and Vergil as they departed, jabbering excitedly about Trish's various purchases and the value of the same.

* * *

_Joe: That was a little different, but I hope yis enjoyed._

_My theory is that if Vergil was alive, then Nero wouldn't have his devil bringer, if that helps anybody who was confused._

_Anyways, huge thanks to those that reviewed, and I'll see what I can do for the next chapter._

_Ciao._


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